How Long Should You Let Toddler Scream in Crib in the Morning?

My sister-in-law Julie Garrick of Denver let her toddler scream for about 45 minutes in her crib every single morning before finally tending to her.

I knew this bonehead’s routine in-and-out because she and her freeloader husband (my brother Lance) moved into my parents’ home after he lost his job in Las Vegas and found a new one in Denver with a jewelry company.

Instead of doing what tons of people with children have done for decades, which is to move into a new home from out of state, even if that means renting someone else’s condo, they moved in with my parents. Lance and Julie Garrick, Denver, Highlands Ranch

At the time my parents were 89 and 93. Lance and Julie tricked them into believing that they, along with their THREE children, would not be an imposition. Garrick

I slept over there many times as part of my call to duty – to be caregivers to my parents whenever one of them developed a medical issue.

I slept in the dining room, which was above the room in the finished basement where the toddler’s crib was.

Every single morning at around 5:30, Holly would begin crying. This is typically what toddlers do when they wake up.

But it would persist, with no let-up, and progressively evolve into outright wailing and then screaming. You’d think the toddler was being stabbed with a steak knife.

I eventually asked Julie Einstein why she allowed the crying/screaming to persist for 45 minutes or so, instead of tending to the toddler.

My sister-in-law explained that when Holly woke up, this was not Julie’s time to get up yet. She was barely able to hear the screaming in a room opposite the one Holly was in. The door to both rooms were closed overnight and a fan was running.

But she knew that every morning, the toddler was up between 5:15 and 5:30 and would cry – then scream – literally for 45 minutes.

Holly stopped ONLY when Julie finally entered the room. Julie explained that she’d only go in there when it was time for HERSELF to get up for the day.

I asked why not go in there sooner to give the toddler a few hugs and kisses to calm her down, maybe add a “Shush!” and then see what happens after that until you’re ready to get up for the day?

Julie said, “No, she’d resume crying.” I didn’t buy this because I slept over often enough to know that this tactic was never tried – at least not repeatedly. Julie Garrick

Every morning I was awakened by the frantic bawling. And every time, it never lasted fewer than 45 minutes, sometimes for about an hour, and always ended ONLY when Julie finally entered Holly’s room.

What really gets me is that the toddler’s crib was in the same room that their adolescent daughter, Dakota, slept in.

Dakota had told me that when Holly woke up, she’d have to leave the room, shut its door and try to fall back asleep on a dumpy futon in the main room (the basement was pretty spacious).

Thus, Julie didn’t even bat an eye at the fact that this was disturbing her older daughter’s sleep.

Holly really sounded like she was being tortured. Unless this toddler had a brain condition that kept erasing the previous morning’s memory, she probably went to bed with a lot of anxiety, knowing that the next morning, she’d suffer the same experience:

Waking up in a dark room, wanting her mama, crying for her, mama never coming (45 minutes seems like “never” to a toddler).

Julie Garrick too Dense to See what Was REALLY Happening Denver, Higlands Ranch

My sister-in-law was effectively teaching Holly that if she cried and screamed for 45 minutes (“long enough” in the mind of a toddler), that Mama would eventually come to her.

Think about this. This is Toddler Psychology 101. Only common sense is required to grasp this concept.

Imagine that you naturally wake up every morning and are greeted by a deathly quiet, dark room. You’ll want to call out for Mama, only you lack the brain development to holler, “Mama, I’m awake! Please come get me!”

Instead, primal instinct takes over and you cry. You know that if you do this long enough, Mama will come. You’ve learned that it takes 45 minutes or so for your crying and screaming to magically make Mama pop open the door and pick you up.

Of course, 45 minutes to a toddler is an eternity, but nevertheless, the toddler’s mind believes that nonstop crying, then screaming, will make Mama eventually pop open the door.

This went on over a 15 month period (until my mother passed), because during that 15 months, I often slept over, clearly hearing things through the floor.

How could Julie have been too dense to understand what she had unknowingly trained Holly to believe?

As for Lance, she claimed he slept through everything until his alarm went off. Julie Garrick

The toddler learned that if you scream long enough, you’ll get what you want.

Now you might ask, “What WAS her mother supposed to do if she wanted to keep sleeping after the toddler woke up?”

This is a situation that resonates with millions of moms. I highly doubt that every single one of them handles it the bone-headed way that Julie did.

I’m sure that many of them simply make a decision to get up for the day the same time the toddler does, OR, they visit the toddler for a few minutes to calm and soothe them, and somehow create a wakeup environment that keeps the toddler calm so that Mommy can go back to sleep.

Or, they’ve come up with a way that shushes the toddler, then they go back to bed for another 30 or 60 minutes.

I might add that Holly’s crib was BARREN, save for a small blanket. There was no mobile, no stuffed animals or other safe things to occupy herself with when she woke up every morning. The toddler would awaken to a BARREN CAGE.

I knew this because the video baby monitor was in the dining room!

Certainly there are safe playthings for a toddler’s crib. What, she might swallow a stuffed animal or the mobile?

To this day, I wonder if Holly screams like a banshee when she wants attention. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised.